Weeks 5-10

Weeks 5-10

It was amazing how fast time just flew right past me.  Within days I was already in my 5th week of pregnancy, and boy were things slowly starting to change.

Of course I was still in my glowing 'pregnancy is so awesome and easy' state of mind (ignorance is bliss)!  I didn't think anything could change that. HA!  

About 3 days into my 5th week I started to think about things, and I mean really think about them.  I found myself sleepless at times and looking at my husband sleeping peacefully; wondering if he was feeling same way.  Each day someone new would ask me "aren't you just so excited about your pregnancy..isn't this great?"  Of course my automatic response was "Of course we are… this is so exciting…we are so looking forward to this journey…".  Granted I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone the truth of the matter; and that matter was that I was brutally frightened of the future.  the thoughts that were racing around my head started to consume every fiber of my being to the point of, sometimes, no return.  I knew that I needed to share these thoughts of fear with someone but, it just wasn't time for me to do that.  Not yet.  

"Hello 6 weeks, how you doin'!? "

What better way to kick of my 6th week of pregnancy than with a wedding!  I was so excited to cover this event, it was a small and intimate wedding; just the type I needed to get my busiest season up and running.  Everything was still going great (pregnancy-wise), OB appointment had been made and I found a prenatal supplement that wasn't making me nauseous.  What did I have to fear?  My couples' awesome wedding day was here and I needed to pack my body with major nourishment for the 13 hour day that awaited me.  What better place to go get that protein/carb filled breakfast than Santa Clara's very own IHOP.  I was starving and I was ready to eat.  My order was simple:  scrambled eggs, bacon, and a pair of pancakes.  Yum.  When I saw our order making it's way to our table I quickly took my fork out and prepared myself for a massive chow down session.  Everything was smelling good, the pancakes were hot and steamy, the hash browns looked extra carby, and my eggs were scrambled to perfection.  

My fork cuts into the eggs, then B-lines it over to the hash browns; "3,2,1- Houston we have lift off"!

Everything was tasting good, and it was time for a swig of coffee to wash down the first bite.  As the cup comes closer to my mouth, the last of the egg/hash brown combo makes it's way down my throat.  I notice a strange feeling starting to brew in my stomach.  

"Uh-OH,  you have got to be effin' kidding me, this can't be happening to me."

It had started.  I looked down at my hands, then at the plate of food that looked so good to me about 5 minutes ago, and  it now looked like a hot steamy plate of rotted eggs with a side of moldy taters.  "Oh no, not this, not here."  My eyes finished circling my plate and locked with my husbands.  The look of terror that was on his face was quite funny to think about now, but at that time, I must admit it scared me.  I simply told him in a calm voice "If I get up in a few minutes no need to worry or follow me, I will be back and I will be okay."  He understood immediately, it was  as if we had our own special code for "honey, I feel like Im going to vomit all over this table and your lap so, to avoid that I must leave for the bathroom, please and thank you".

I had no interest for food from that moment on; nothing could get me to take another bite of what was laying on my plate.  NOTHING!

The wedding was a success and all the sudden nausea went out the door.  I was back on "this pregnancy thing ain't got nothing on me" status.  

"Damn week 7, what are you doing?!"

Upon finding out I was pregnant I decided to put my handy little Android to good use and download a pregnancy app.  Each week I get a cute little update on what is going on inside me and around this time it decided to tell me that my little zygote was now a fetus.  I seriously didn't know how to take that little piece of information.  So, I put my phone down and decided to go for a walk with my dog.  On that walk I thought about a lot of random things like why my neighbor has enough wood to keep our whole block warm during the ice age, and why he has 3 boats and 4 trucks of which he never moves.  Thoughts like that used to keep my mind busy all day but, today all those fears that started to rear their ugly little head in week 5, somehow made their way back.  I seemed to find myself becoming great at being able to compartmentalize during this time.  Naturally I found something else to think about/do.  At this very moment  I decided to take a little walk down memory lane and pass by my old apartment on Sallee.  With a big smile on my face, I look down at my dog and ask him "wanna go to the old place?"; as if he knew where that was.  He was just happy to be out on a freaking' walk at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.  We turned the corner and stopped at the front gate of the old place and strangely enough, I started to feel my mind just let go…  I thought about the time that I had there, the good and the bad.  I thought about all the time that had passed and how lucky I am to be where I am at now.  I then thought about my husband and how amazing he has been and continues to be to me!  In 2006 our relationship started as friendship; and it was a great one.  He was the one person I could talk to and I knew that he wasn't passing judgement on me and the feelings I was having.  Every time I would talk to him about my problems or just about random crazy ideas I had, I found myself feeling better about everything around me.  He brought clarity in a time of confusion, he listened when no one else would, he cared when I thought nobody did.  He was my best friend.  Then it hit me, like a cast iron skillet to the back of my head.  "Damnit Ashley, just talk to your husband about your effin' feelings.  Suck it up woman and let it out! Sh*t!"

With a new frame of mind I turned around walked right back to our home and anxiously waited for 5:30 to roll around and boy did it!  I laid on my bed anxiously waiting to hear my husband walking up the front porch blaring his Petros and Money from his handy android.  It felt like I was holding my breath for hours.  Stomp, stomp; click, click; door opens. I hear my husband make his way down the hall putting down all his work crap with each step.  I then look towards the door and see his smiling face; that face that calms me in the midst of any storm.  Except this time…it wasn't working and nothing could prepare him for the verbal diarrhea that was about to be laid on him this fine evening.  

Of course in some normal marriage/relationship one would ask about each others day and yadda-yadda-yadda.  For all who know me, if I have something on my mind I just put it out there, forget all that formal 'how was your day crap' I have real sh*t to talk about right now!

I was like a child with ADHD I was all over the place, I couldn't contain each thought and take my time to explain each one.  

Do you know how my body is changing?

I feel sick every evening

I can't eat anything

I feel like I want to vomit

What is going to happen to me, to us?

I am going to have no more "me" time!

OMG, I so effin' selfish!

All our personal time is gone!

My career is over!

What is going to happen with me and my business?

What is going to happen when I don't know what the baby wants?

Do you know how expensive it is to have a child?

Have you seen all the things people buy for their kids…

What if I can't do it?

What if I fail?

What if I totally f_ _ _ this kid up!?! 

What if our child hates me?

What if I repeat all the things I swore I wouldn't?

What if the world really does end on May 21st?  (Just kidding- I had to throw that in, it was getting too serious even for me)

Everything was stacking up like a good game of Jenga and all it took was just one move to make it all fall.   After all was said and done, then came the silence.  A silence that could bring a slight chill to your bones.  A nice long stare was shared and finally he spoke, "honey, do you want this?".  Then it happened , my Jenga tower fell.  What was I expecting, a hug and a giant kiss on the face!?!  Of course I didn't blame him for asking me that, if I were in his shoes I would have probably asked that same question.  I mean I did just drop a huge bomb on his baby joy parade!  

My response came out of my mouth faster then my daily battle with morning sickness "honey, of course I want this.  I love this little being inside me and I will always love it.  I am just scared…scared sh*tless."  He saw the look in my eye and knew that fear of what was to come was consuming me and he at that point took my hand and reassured me that it will be great and that I will be great.  Yes, things will change but, it is not a change for the worst.  He also reminded me that we are already an old couple and our clubbing days shouldn't be affected (granted it has been almost 2 years since we "clubbed" it up).

Falling asleep that night with my heart at ease and my fear brought down from a 10 to a 5, was a perfect way to end week 7.  Bring it on week 8, bring it on.

"Week 8-9, you can suck it!"

Week 8 was the tipping point for this morning sickness business.  Ughh, each morning my husband greeted me with a bowl of cereal to try and ward off the morning sickness I had fought the night before.  Each day seemed like a never ending battle.  

Remember that first time you went to a bar at 21 years old and decided you were going to drink everything under the sun because a) you legally could & b) people were shoving free drinks in your face; how could you tell them no.

Of course you remember that day but, the real question is do remember that sickening hangover you had the day after and maybe the day after that?  I know you do, we all do.  Well, my daily battles with morning sickness were just like the day after you turned 21!  Except this lasted EVERY SINGLE DAY, ALL DAY!  Granted I was better in the morning then I was at night but, the end result was the same every day:  Me in bed by 5:00 PM, in the bathroom dry heaving, sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for it to come, or just cursing the world around me while dry heaving/spitting up!  

Week 9 was no different; nothing changed and I started to feel helpless.  I started to become frustrated with myself, becoming angry with the fact that I couldn't just suck it up and walk it off like a big girl.  I felt alone… yeah, yeah I know I said my husband was great and he is but, SERIOUSLY  he isn't growing another human being inside him, he isn't feeling like shizz all day long, and he hasn't built a freakish bond with the porcelain god like I had.  He couldn't even begin to wrap his precious head around the changes and brutal beating my body was taking.  Granted, he tried really hard to understand it but, it just wasn't the same.  Every night he heard me moaning, heard me asking for a popsicle, heard me crying.  Even with all that he heard he was there to rub my back, hand me my popsicle with a smile and a "I love you, thank you for taking such good care of our baby".  As he walked out I couldn't help but roll my eyes and think of all the things I'd rather be doing at that very moment in time.  

As time moved on I started to become desperate for something, anything to help take this craptastic feeling away from me.  So, I took out my trusty smartphone and googled 'meditation+morning sickness'.  I have to admit there wasn't a ton of sites offering valuable information but, there was one that gave me a technique that helped ease the morning sickness pain and made me look like a crazy woman who rocks back and forth on her bed. 

I went through the "how to" list and decided that it couldn't make anything worse, right?

So, I decided to try out this meditation thing while the husband was out getting more popsicles. 

My husband had no idea he was going to be sent to the grocery store for more popsicles but, with one swift call he was off.

Perfect!  I can do this and not feel self conscious with the moves and sounds that I was about to make.

I slowly get up and turn off the lights in the bedroom, I then start arranging the pillows on my bed to form a cocoon-like thing and take a seat right in the middle.  Sitting with my feet pressing up one another I take the "om" posture and start my morning sickness mantra; which went a little something like this.

1) take a deep breath in and start to rock back and forth (without farting)

2) slowly let my breath out through my mouth while making a humming noise

Easy enough, right?  Yeah, super easy I just looked like a fool doing it and my humming turned more into a loud moan with each urge to up-chuck all over the place.  Finally after 20 minutes I find some peace in this rhythmic motion…I am actually feeling less sick.  So completely lost in my mediation moment I miss the front door opening and I seem to not hear my husband walking down the hall towards the bedroom.  With one swift flick, I hear the light switch and my little morning sickness meditative warrior-self opens my eyes to see my husband standing in the door way holding a popsicle with a bewildered look on his face.  It actually looked like he was contemplating turning the light off and slowly walking out of the room…like he didn't see a thing.  Again, being the most awesome person he is he walks over hands me the popsicle kisses my forehead and says "whatever helps you honey".  As he walks away, I assume the position with popsicle in hand and begin my meditative moment all over again.  I kept on repeating "whatever helps" over and over again in my head.  Trust me when I say that, that night it helped!

Week 9 ended with me assuming my meditation position and repeating "week 9, you can suck it"!

"Week 10, you my best friend kinda…"

Still feeling angry about my morning sickness dilemma in week 10 I decided to enter my first Dr. appointment with a little less dislike for this pregnancy and a little more love.  Good thing I did!  Right when I walked in to my OB's office I couldn't help but notice all the pregnant women around me.  Funny how when you become pregnant you just notice pregnant women, it's like there is a magnet between all of us pregnant ladies and we were all orbiting one another.  Anywho, I walked in and felt my heart skip a little beat.  "Today is the day that my husband and I are going to see our little bean for the first time, holy crap!".  My husband could spot my anxiety from a mile a way, he quickly grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek.  It was at that moment I felt like everything was right in the world again.  In no time I heard the door open and a nurse say "Ashley".  I looked at my hubcap and said to myself "it's game time".  The nurse walks us to a room, tells me get naked (well, not in those words) and to wait for the Dr.  

I do as she says and I take a seat on the table.  Being the fidgety person that I am I couldn't help but pull out the side stir-ups.  Ladies you know what those are, guys…if you don't know ask your lady friends I am sure they would be more than happy to give you a play by play.  

So, while I was messing around with the foot pads on these bad boys I looked up to see my Dr walking through the door.  I quickly dropped my hands and placed them under my thighs, I was like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  Damnit!

I pretty much assumed that my doctor encounters crap like that all time.  It seemed to me like she didn't skip a beat.  The first thing out of her mouth was "Yeah, we are having a baby!  Hi honey, I am your doctor let's get you checked out and let's see if we can see this baby!".

Man, she was great and was exactly what I needed.  I totally needed someone who was going to remind me that this pregnancy is a super exciting time…aside from all the morning sickness.  

She covered everything and anything, she took in all my questions and concerns, she even broke down each trimester down to the weeks!  I was officially in love with my doctor and I think my husband was crushin' on her as well.  Once everyone had shared their feelings around the magic carpet, it was time to see our bean.

Okay fellas this may get a little graphic or it may just turn you on…I will let you deal with your feelings as you see fit.

My doctor walked over to a machine with a stick attached to it and rolled it over in my direction.  I couldn't help but ask myself "is she going to probe me with that thing", and as if she were in my head she looked at me and said "okay, we are going to check out what's going on inside you with this little guy".  The smile on my face slowly faded and I heard my husband kind of chuckle.  Next thing I knew she was lubing up this magic wand, rolling a condom on it and lubing it up again!  "WTH!?!?!  What on creators green earth is she going to do with that thing!?  Yup, she is probing me.  Oh good lawd!"

I felt my husband grab my hand and I looked over at my doctors reassuring smile as she said "now take a deep breath".  Next thing I knew I was squeezing my eyes shut and I heard a gasp from my husband, and the doctor said "there is your baby".  I heard her say baby so I quickly eliminated twins from our future and I slowly turned to the screen to see my precious baby looking right at me…well, kind of.  A single tear fell onto my cheek then another and another and another.  I couldn't stop these blasted tears from falling! What was going on!?  I soon found myself talking to the screen as if the little baby/alien looking bean thing inside me could understand me.  I couldn't believe what I was looking at, I couldn't believe that I was growing that inside me!  Gees, I am pretty freakin' amazing!  Super hero like!  Before our first visit came to an end my doctor told us "oh look, your baby is going to move right now"  no more than 2 seconds later our little bean moved, it did a little jig and continued to jig it up in utero!  I would even take it as far to say that our little bean was getting' jiggy wit it!  After a few pictures, the screen went black and the probe was out of me.  When my doctor left the room I couldn't help but stare at the images she had printed for us.  It was real to me, finally I was in love with it.  Once clothed, I looked at the smile on my husbands face and knew he shared that same undying love for the amazing being inside me.

Week 10, you ended on a good note my friend.   Here's looking at week 11.